Heheh.

Been like sooooooo in love lately with mah honey. ^.^

Sighs

I just wanna give up.
You will never understand.
I'm tired of getting hurt.
I just wanna die.

Hurt

I keep getting hurt.
I'm completely wounded.
I just want to die.
I can't take it no more.

Tired of this.

I'm getting tired.
I'm so confused till I get so exhausted
I give up.
I don't give a shit anymore.
You're completely oblivious to my feelings.
You don't fucking care.
You confuse me so much, I'm fucking tired of it.
I give up.
I'm washing my hands off this.
Taking out my cards and starting the 'Fuck It' game myself.

Tommie.

I had to blog. I feel so alone and empty. There's a huge hole in my chest. I had to blog. 
6th August, 2012, about 11:15am, Tommie passed away. In my arms. 
Eversince that moment onward, I don't feel the same. I feel like my life is missing something. Everytime I look around the house I just wish he would appear. Tommie is my everything. My life, my baby. I love Tommie to bits and pieces. If I was a mom, Tommie was my son. When he left, he took a big part of me with him. I just really really miss him. I can't even think of any other word or phrase to describe it. I've been crying non-stop. My eyes are swollen and even with my glasses on, my vision is blurred. My mind is constantly on Tommie. I picture him happy, healthy and chubby. I cry and cry until I'm so exhausted. I tell myself, enough, you can continue crying tomorrow. And then I fall asleep. And each time I wake up, I wish that all this is just a dream. I wish that Tommie never had kidney failure, he never suffered, and he never left. I wish that everytime I wake up, he would be there next to me, sleeping and not caring about a thing. You guys have no idea how much this cat means to me. Life is no easy at home. It's tough. Tommie and all my other cats make me feel so much better. And I know this is shocking but... December 23rd last year, I tried taking my own life. But I looked over at Tommie and it was if he said "No, don't." In a way Tommie saved me. In so many other ways, Tommie has made me feel so much better everytime I was down or I was frustrated with something. Tommie... He was my saviour, my hero, my inspiration. Tommie taught me so much. I... Oh god. 

Tommie, 
I just really miss you so much. I wish I had more time to spend with you. Because now that you're gone, I feel so different and it's very difficult to just let you go and move on. I can't stop crying. I want you back. I want you to come back into my arms and be with me. But I can't have you back. I know that you're in a much better place and I kow that I ca't be selfish and that I gotta let you go. But baby it's so difficult. I don't know if I am strong enough to do that. Ever since I found out you had kidney failure, the next few months my whole life was just about you. I fed you, I tried to make you as comfortable as possible, I tried to make you feel better. I just wish I had the money to hospitalise you so that the vet knew how to help you. But I'm so sorry I didn't have that money. I should have saved and saved and never stopped saving. Oh god. Please forgive me for not being able to do that, Tommie. Please forgive me. Oh god I just miss you so much I don't know how to explain it. You mean so much to me, you and I both know that. You are my everything. I love you and I love Bunnie. I still cannot believe that you're gone. Oh god.
I believe that I will see you again. I believe that we will be reunited one day. You me, and Bunnie. And god knows maybe Ah Boy. You boys take care. I love you. I love all of you. I miss you... So... So... Much. 

Confused.

So where do we stand now? 

Families Suck.

I felt the need to blog. 

Been very down these past 2 weeks. 

And judging from my previous, post, I think you guys know that already.

I don't even know what to say right now.

My mind is blank.

I'm so exhausted from being so miserable. 

I'm telling you for the umpteenth time.

Families suck. 

My mom is a psychopath.

My brother is a know-it-all.

My sister is a selfish human being. 

And my dad...

My dad's just too quiet.

And I'm so tired of trying to please everybody, making this family work, maintaining peace in the household, and fighting for my happiness.

I'm not just tired, I'm exhausted.

Why can't be just about me for once?

It's always about my sister.

It's always about my brother.

It's never about me.

Never.

Everything mistake I've done, they fucking relate it to either my sister, or my brother.

Why can't they open their eyes and see that I'm not repeating anybody's mistakes, I'm making my own, I'm trying to learn from my OWN mistakes. 

Just because my siblings turned out to be their worst nightmare, doesn't mean I will!

It doesn't mean I'll be the perfect daughter either!

I am NOT allowed to make ANY mistakes AT ALL in my house. 

If I make just 1, I'm considered the worst daughter they've ever had. 

WHAT THE FLYING MOTHERFUCKING BITCH FUCK. 

I haven't done any shit to make them feel that way towards me. 

I made them proud by going to Express stream when my siblings couldn't.

I made them proud by managing to stay only 4 years in secondary school when my siblings couldn't.

I made them proud by passing my Os and getting a spot in Poly when my siblings couldn't. 

They don't even appreciate it!

Only for a brief moment, but after that it all goes back to She's-the-sucky-little-brat-growing-up-teenager-at-home. 

And then for every mistake, they condemn me. 

Shouldn't I be allowed to make my own mistakes?

Shouldn't I be allowed to freely choose what I want for myself?

For my future?

Shouldn't I be able to make use of that leftover bit of rights left for myself?

Shouldn't I be able to choose who I want in, and out of my life?

Why do they have to make these decisions for me too?

They've taken almost everything from me.

I'm just left with 2 things. 

My education and my love for Kabilan.

That's all I have left. 

And right now, they're trying to get rid of that second one. 

My love for Kabilan. 

Why?

They say I'm too young to have a relationship.

And because he's not Malay and not Muslim.

WHAT THE FLYING MOTHERFUCKING BITCH FUCKETY FUCK.  

They assume that all Hindus and Indians are the same. 

They don't even want to give him a chance.

He's the good guy here.

Without him, my family would have lost me forever. 

There are many moments in my life where all I wanna do is run away from my problems, give up and just forget everything. 

Even right now I'm so tempted to go back to that black route I was on years ago. 

All I wanna do is be numb. 

So that I can't feel anything. 

At all. 

But because I have Kabilan, I stopped myself.

Because disappointing him would just be unfair to him since he hasn't done anything to hurt me at all.

It's just my family, not him. 

In fact he tries so hard to hold me together and keep me from falling apart. 

He does his very best to make me happy. 

And truly I am happy with him. 

I am fully contented because he plays a big role in maintaining my happiness. 

He's my guardian angel. 

He's my happy pill. 

He's my everything. 

My world revolves mostly around him.

Kabilan.

I love that guy with all my heart.

I've never loved anyone this much before. 

Maybe once, but even that wasn't as much as how I love Kabilan.

He means the world to me. 

He's the only one I wish to grow old with.

No I'm not saying this under the influence of being a typical teenager. 

This is nothing close to puppy love.

This love is true, this love is pure.

This love is all that I have ever wished for. 

I mean which teenage couple would plan their future together? 

Which teenage couple would go on and plan what's gonna happen for upcoming years of the rest of our life. 

We've already planned all that.

Because of the fact that ours is forbidden love and not accepted at all by both our families, we have planned to get through the next 3-5 years smoothly, graduate from Poly, and he finishes his NS, after that we are leaving Singapore, to most probably Australia, and then live happily ever after.  

That's what I want. 

And he's happy to follow along.

All we wanna do is live our own life and not care about the rest. 

Our love is strong. 

We've been bestfriends for almost 3 years now and he's always been my soulmate.

I found my other half in him.

He's the only one I trust. 

I can never separate from him, I'm never gonna ever choose anybody else other than him. 

My family has pushed me to make the decision I've never ever wanted to make. 

I have to choose between them and him. 

I'll gladly choose him.

I've done so much for my family.

They can never measure up my sacrifice with theirs. 

Because the sacrifices I've made, the things I've gone through to keep the family together in unquestionable, and countless.

Kabilan has done so much for me.

He has always been there and will continue to be there for the rest of my life.

Same goes for me. 

I'd do the same.

I'd keep on fighting for him because he's the only one that I want.

If I can't have him, I don't want anybody else. 

My family needs to understand that. 

I can't believe it myself that I'm saying these things.

I used to love my family so much. 

They used to mean everything.

Right now not anymore.

Because I realise that I mean so little to them. 

No matter what the real situation is, that's how I see it. 

They don't love me as much as I love them.