Families Suck.

I felt the need to blog. 

Been very down these past 2 weeks. 

And judging from my previous, post, I think you guys know that already.

I don't even know what to say right now.

My mind is blank.

I'm so exhausted from being so miserable. 

I'm telling you for the umpteenth time.

Families suck. 

My mom is a psychopath.

My brother is a know-it-all.

My sister is a selfish human being. 

And my dad...

My dad's just too quiet.

And I'm so tired of trying to please everybody, making this family work, maintaining peace in the household, and fighting for my happiness.

I'm not just tired, I'm exhausted.

Why can't be just about me for once?

It's always about my sister.

It's always about my brother.

It's never about me.

Never.

Everything mistake I've done, they fucking relate it to either my sister, or my brother.

Why can't they open their eyes and see that I'm not repeating anybody's mistakes, I'm making my own, I'm trying to learn from my OWN mistakes. 

Just because my siblings turned out to be their worst nightmare, doesn't mean I will!

It doesn't mean I'll be the perfect daughter either!

I am NOT allowed to make ANY mistakes AT ALL in my house. 

If I make just 1, I'm considered the worst daughter they've ever had. 

WHAT THE FLYING MOTHERFUCKING BITCH FUCK. 

I haven't done any shit to make them feel that way towards me. 

I made them proud by going to Express stream when my siblings couldn't.

I made them proud by managing to stay only 4 years in secondary school when my siblings couldn't.

I made them proud by passing my Os and getting a spot in Poly when my siblings couldn't. 

They don't even appreciate it!

Only for a brief moment, but after that it all goes back to She's-the-sucky-little-brat-growing-up-teenager-at-home. 

And then for every mistake, they condemn me. 

Shouldn't I be allowed to make my own mistakes?

Shouldn't I be allowed to freely choose what I want for myself?

For my future?

Shouldn't I be able to make use of that leftover bit of rights left for myself?

Shouldn't I be able to choose who I want in, and out of my life?

Why do they have to make these decisions for me too?

They've taken almost everything from me.

I'm just left with 2 things. 

My education and my love for Kabilan.

That's all I have left. 

And right now, they're trying to get rid of that second one. 

My love for Kabilan. 

Why?

They say I'm too young to have a relationship.

And because he's not Malay and not Muslim.

WHAT THE FLYING MOTHERFUCKING BITCH FUCKETY FUCK.  

They assume that all Hindus and Indians are the same. 

They don't even want to give him a chance.

He's the good guy here.

Without him, my family would have lost me forever. 

There are many moments in my life where all I wanna do is run away from my problems, give up and just forget everything. 

Even right now I'm so tempted to go back to that black route I was on years ago. 

All I wanna do is be numb. 

So that I can't feel anything. 

At all. 

But because I have Kabilan, I stopped myself.

Because disappointing him would just be unfair to him since he hasn't done anything to hurt me at all.

It's just my family, not him. 

In fact he tries so hard to hold me together and keep me from falling apart. 

He does his very best to make me happy. 

And truly I am happy with him. 

I am fully contented because he plays a big role in maintaining my happiness. 

He's my guardian angel. 

He's my happy pill. 

He's my everything. 

My world revolves mostly around him.

Kabilan.

I love that guy with all my heart.

I've never loved anyone this much before. 

Maybe once, but even that wasn't as much as how I love Kabilan.

He means the world to me. 

He's the only one I wish to grow old with.

No I'm not saying this under the influence of being a typical teenager. 

This is nothing close to puppy love.

This love is true, this love is pure.

This love is all that I have ever wished for. 

I mean which teenage couple would plan their future together? 

Which teenage couple would go on and plan what's gonna happen for upcoming years of the rest of our life. 

We've already planned all that.

Because of the fact that ours is forbidden love and not accepted at all by both our families, we have planned to get through the next 3-5 years smoothly, graduate from Poly, and he finishes his NS, after that we are leaving Singapore, to most probably Australia, and then live happily ever after.  

That's what I want. 

And he's happy to follow along.

All we wanna do is live our own life and not care about the rest. 

Our love is strong. 

We've been bestfriends for almost 3 years now and he's always been my soulmate.

I found my other half in him.

He's the only one I trust. 

I can never separate from him, I'm never gonna ever choose anybody else other than him. 

My family has pushed me to make the decision I've never ever wanted to make. 

I have to choose between them and him. 

I'll gladly choose him.

I've done so much for my family.

They can never measure up my sacrifice with theirs. 

Because the sacrifices I've made, the things I've gone through to keep the family together in unquestionable, and countless.

Kabilan has done so much for me.

He has always been there and will continue to be there for the rest of my life.

Same goes for me. 

I'd do the same.

I'd keep on fighting for him because he's the only one that I want.

If I can't have him, I don't want anybody else. 

My family needs to understand that. 

I can't believe it myself that I'm saying these things.

I used to love my family so much. 

They used to mean everything.

Right now not anymore.

Because I realise that I mean so little to them. 

No matter what the real situation is, that's how I see it. 

They don't love me as much as I love them.