Tommie.

I had to blog. I feel so alone and empty. There's a huge hole in my chest. I had to blog. 
6th August, 2012, about 11:15am, Tommie passed away. In my arms. 
Eversince that moment onward, I don't feel the same. I feel like my life is missing something. Everytime I look around the house I just wish he would appear. Tommie is my everything. My life, my baby. I love Tommie to bits and pieces. If I was a mom, Tommie was my son. When he left, he took a big part of me with him. I just really really miss him. I can't even think of any other word or phrase to describe it. I've been crying non-stop. My eyes are swollen and even with my glasses on, my vision is blurred. My mind is constantly on Tommie. I picture him happy, healthy and chubby. I cry and cry until I'm so exhausted. I tell myself, enough, you can continue crying tomorrow. And then I fall asleep. And each time I wake up, I wish that all this is just a dream. I wish that Tommie never had kidney failure, he never suffered, and he never left. I wish that everytime I wake up, he would be there next to me, sleeping and not caring about a thing. You guys have no idea how much this cat means to me. Life is no easy at home. It's tough. Tommie and all my other cats make me feel so much better. And I know this is shocking but... December 23rd last year, I tried taking my own life. But I looked over at Tommie and it was if he said "No, don't." In a way Tommie saved me. In so many other ways, Tommie has made me feel so much better everytime I was down or I was frustrated with something. Tommie... He was my saviour, my hero, my inspiration. Tommie taught me so much. I... Oh god. 

Tommie, 
I just really miss you so much. I wish I had more time to spend with you. Because now that you're gone, I feel so different and it's very difficult to just let you go and move on. I can't stop crying. I want you back. I want you to come back into my arms and be with me. But I can't have you back. I know that you're in a much better place and I kow that I ca't be selfish and that I gotta let you go. But baby it's so difficult. I don't know if I am strong enough to do that. Ever since I found out you had kidney failure, the next few months my whole life was just about you. I fed you, I tried to make you as comfortable as possible, I tried to make you feel better. I just wish I had the money to hospitalise you so that the vet knew how to help you. But I'm so sorry I didn't have that money. I should have saved and saved and never stopped saving. Oh god. Please forgive me for not being able to do that, Tommie. Please forgive me. Oh god I just miss you so much I don't know how to explain it. You mean so much to me, you and I both know that. You are my everything. I love you and I love Bunnie. I still cannot believe that you're gone. Oh god.
I believe that I will see you again. I believe that we will be reunited one day. You me, and Bunnie. And god knows maybe Ah Boy. You boys take care. I love you. I love all of you. I miss you... So... So... Much.