Families Suck.

I felt the need to blog. 

Been very down these past 2 weeks. 

And judging from my previous, post, I think you guys know that already.

I don't even know what to say right now.

My mind is blank.

I'm so exhausted from being so miserable. 

I'm telling you for the umpteenth time.

Families suck. 

My mom is a psychopath.

My brother is a know-it-all.

My sister is a selfish human being. 

And my dad...

My dad's just too quiet.

And I'm so tired of trying to please everybody, making this family work, maintaining peace in the household, and fighting for my happiness.

I'm not just tired, I'm exhausted.

Why can't be just about me for once?

It's always about my sister.

It's always about my brother.

It's never about me.

Never.

Everything mistake I've done, they fucking relate it to either my sister, or my brother.

Why can't they open their eyes and see that I'm not repeating anybody's mistakes, I'm making my own, I'm trying to learn from my OWN mistakes. 

Just because my siblings turned out to be their worst nightmare, doesn't mean I will!

It doesn't mean I'll be the perfect daughter either!

I am NOT allowed to make ANY mistakes AT ALL in my house. 

If I make just 1, I'm considered the worst daughter they've ever had. 

WHAT THE FLYING MOTHERFUCKING BITCH FUCK. 

I haven't done any shit to make them feel that way towards me. 

I made them proud by going to Express stream when my siblings couldn't.

I made them proud by managing to stay only 4 years in secondary school when my siblings couldn't.

I made them proud by passing my Os and getting a spot in Poly when my siblings couldn't. 

They don't even appreciate it!

Only for a brief moment, but after that it all goes back to She's-the-sucky-little-brat-growing-up-teenager-at-home. 

And then for every mistake, they condemn me. 

Shouldn't I be allowed to make my own mistakes?

Shouldn't I be allowed to freely choose what I want for myself?

For my future?

Shouldn't I be able to make use of that leftover bit of rights left for myself?

Shouldn't I be able to choose who I want in, and out of my life?

Why do they have to make these decisions for me too?

They've taken almost everything from me.

I'm just left with 2 things. 

My education and my love for Kabilan.

That's all I have left. 

And right now, they're trying to get rid of that second one. 

My love for Kabilan. 

Why?

They say I'm too young to have a relationship.

And because he's not Malay and not Muslim.

WHAT THE FLYING MOTHERFUCKING BITCH FUCKETY FUCK.  

They assume that all Hindus and Indians are the same. 

They don't even want to give him a chance.

He's the good guy here.

Without him, my family would have lost me forever. 

There are many moments in my life where all I wanna do is run away from my problems, give up and just forget everything. 

Even right now I'm so tempted to go back to that black route I was on years ago. 

All I wanna do is be numb. 

So that I can't feel anything. 

At all. 

But because I have Kabilan, I stopped myself.

Because disappointing him would just be unfair to him since he hasn't done anything to hurt me at all.

It's just my family, not him. 

In fact he tries so hard to hold me together and keep me from falling apart. 

He does his very best to make me happy. 

And truly I am happy with him. 

I am fully contented because he plays a big role in maintaining my happiness. 

He's my guardian angel. 

He's my happy pill. 

He's my everything. 

My world revolves mostly around him.

Kabilan.

I love that guy with all my heart.

I've never loved anyone this much before. 

Maybe once, but even that wasn't as much as how I love Kabilan.

He means the world to me. 

He's the only one I wish to grow old with.

No I'm not saying this under the influence of being a typical teenager. 

This is nothing close to puppy love.

This love is true, this love is pure.

This love is all that I have ever wished for. 

I mean which teenage couple would plan their future together? 

Which teenage couple would go on and plan what's gonna happen for upcoming years of the rest of our life. 

We've already planned all that.

Because of the fact that ours is forbidden love and not accepted at all by both our families, we have planned to get through the next 3-5 years smoothly, graduate from Poly, and he finishes his NS, after that we are leaving Singapore, to most probably Australia, and then live happily ever after.  

That's what I want. 

And he's happy to follow along.

All we wanna do is live our own life and not care about the rest. 

Our love is strong. 

We've been bestfriends for almost 3 years now and he's always been my soulmate.

I found my other half in him.

He's the only one I trust. 

I can never separate from him, I'm never gonna ever choose anybody else other than him. 

My family has pushed me to make the decision I've never ever wanted to make. 

I have to choose between them and him. 

I'll gladly choose him.

I've done so much for my family.

They can never measure up my sacrifice with theirs. 

Because the sacrifices I've made, the things I've gone through to keep the family together in unquestionable, and countless.

Kabilan has done so much for me.

He has always been there and will continue to be there for the rest of my life.

Same goes for me. 

I'd do the same.

I'd keep on fighting for him because he's the only one that I want.

If I can't have him, I don't want anybody else. 

My family needs to understand that. 

I can't believe it myself that I'm saying these things.

I used to love my family so much. 

They used to mean everything.

Right now not anymore.

Because I realise that I mean so little to them. 

No matter what the real situation is, that's how I see it. 

They don't love me as much as I love them. 

Twice So Far.

I reached home... Banged the door close...

Dropped my bag on the sofa... Threw my keys at the mirror...

Fell on my knees to the ground... 

And broke down. 

Really really broke down hard. 

Everything just came pouring out.

I felt my heart squeeze inside my chest.

I felt my stomach squeeze in my abdomen. 

I couldn't breathe.

I gasped for air.

As I continued crying.

Non-stop.

It felt like minutes.

Felt like hours. 

I just kept on crying.

Bent down and let my body take over.

My forehead kissed the floor.

I cried into the floor.

I felt so weak.

So helpless.

I just kept on crying.

Tears just kept on coming.

I knew I had to stop because if I didn't I would die. 

I couldn't breathe.

I screamed.

I shouted.

I roared.

I groaned.

I wished somebody would hear me.

And they would save me from all the injustice and craziness in my life. 

I kept on crying.

Nobody came to my rescue. 

I felt more lonelier than ever.

What happened next?

I gathered all my strength.

Pushed myself up with both hands. 

Grabbed the green Ikea stool.

Walked slowly to the kitchen. 

I guess you can already tell what I was thinking.

I was still crying.

Why is everybody in my family against me?

What did I ever do to them?

Why are they all taking everything away from me?

Why?

Maybe they got too used to having me around?

Maybe they think I would be alright with everything.

Be okay with them taking all my rights, all my choices away?

If that's the case.

What am I doing here then?

Why do I study so hard?

And try so hard to please them all?

If they don't appreciate anything?

And they're gonna take everything away, everything bit of freedom I have left?

It's pointless for me.

It's unfair. 

I want to have the freedom of choosing what I want for myself.

I know what's right.

I know what's wrong.

Nothing wrong with me in a relationship with him.

In fact he's the reason for everything good in my life.

In fact the only reason.

Why can't they understand that? 

What did I ever do to them?

All of them?

Would it be better if I...

Just left them? 

Would they ever realize what it would be like...

Without me around?

More tears came out from my eyes.

I positioned the stool at the window.

I climbed on it. 

I looked down.

I cried even more.

Because I couldn't believe what I was about to do.

I was about to do something even I think is stupid. 

I opened the window grill. 

But I wanted to do it. 

I could stand it anymore. 

Not one bit.

I felt this feeling once in the shower. 

I vowed to never feel this way again.

I knew everything happened for a reason.

I told myself I could handle anything from that moment onward.

But I lied to myself.

I felt it all over again.

This time for a million other reasons. 

If I could feel it the second time, I definitely will feel it again and again.

I didn't want to.

I was done with this kind of disappointment and sadness and anger buried inside of me. 

I wanted to end the misery.

I felt like this way was the easiest way.

And after that there's no way I'd feel any pain ever again.

I wanted to jump.

I wanted to die. 

Yes.

I wanted to die.

I cried and cried.

My chest was hurting.

My eyes were swollen.

My whole body was shaking.

I called god's name.

I asked him why was he doing this to me.

Why can't I have a bit of fairness in my life?

I questioned his reasons for the obstacles he was throwing at me.

I cried and cried. 

I grew tired.

So tired.

So weak.

I looked down again.

My body shivered. 

My mind went haywire.

My brain was telling me no.

My heart was begging me to just end it.

I felt my soul gripped and hang on to my body. 

I'm faced and stared at death straight in the face.

I pictured my family.

The people I used to love so deeply.

The people I've sacrificed so much for.

The selfish heartless cruel people that I cared and will do anything for. 

I pictured Kabilan.

I pictured his reaction when he found out I was gone.

I cried even more. 

I couldn't.

I just couldn't. 

Even if my family didn't care that I died, Kabilan did. 

I couldn't do this to him.

I loved him.

If I died and left him, it would be unfair to him.

And he would feel the same way I'm feeling at this point.

My friends too.

These people are the only reasons I'm still holding on today.

So I couldn't. 

I shook my head.

Get down, Azura.

NO.

Just jump. 

You can still look out for them in heaven.

They'll understand why you chose this path.

JUST JUMP. 

DO IT.

END THIS BULLSHIT. 

I heard the devil in me speak. 

And then I heard another tiny voice.

You are much stronger than this.

When did you become so weak?

You've been through so much.

You will get through this.

Think of everyone who loves you.

How would they feel?

THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU.

Yes they do. 

You know that. 

Think about it.

All the pain you went through will be for nothing, if you ended your life right now.

It would be pointless.

IT WON'T BE POINTLESS.

IF YOU JUMP, YOU WILL BE HAPPY.

No you won't.

You will regret it.

You've gone through millions of sacrifices for everyone that you love.

You can't just let go of everything and leave without achieving anything for yourself.

Keep on fighting Azura.

Heed your own advice that you give to so many people.

Patience is a virtue.

Something good will come out of this suffering.

One day you'll be free.

You are much much stronger than this. 

All of my crying slowly simmered down. 

I wiped my face with my hands.

I stopped crying.

Last time, I stopped myself because I thought about the people that I loved.

This time, I stopped because I thought about myself.

It's true.

All my sacrifices and all the battles that I went through would be pointless if I were to leave this world.

I slowly got down.

Sank to the ground. 

Buried my head in my knees.

And cried all over again. 

Cried over my fate. 

Cried over this curse. 

Cried for help.

But as usual, nobody heard me. 

19Th of June 2012, 5pm.

I tried committing suicide.