Uh. Reply.
Hello dear readers. This is gonna be a reply to a recent reader of CBBC named 'Random'. Okay I'm not so sure if he/she is arecent reader, but, aiyah whatever lah. He/she tagged me at my tagboard. So you guys feel free to read it okay? Thanks.
Hello Random. Uhm thanks for the advice. I don't know if I know you, but the way you tagged made me feel like you know me very well. Hahah. Uhm. I'm not sure where to start. Lets just say that, I know when to make the right choices in life. Before I decide on something, I think for 1836735318773 times. I'm serious. But when it comes to making decisions that includes my family, I have to always make sure that my choice will benefit both me, and my WHOLE family.
In this case, I can't just ignore my parents and you know, blame all this on them. Because eventhough I HATE to admit it, part of it, IS my sister's fault. So I can't just ignore that fact and you now, go against my parents. And I know I sound very pathetic that I'm complaining I'm missing my sister alot, and I'm doing nothing, but seriously. Nobody can truly, deep down, heart-to-heart understand what I'm going through.
I mean, at certain points yes. I'm angry with myself that I can't just, like you said, voice out. Cause I'm in the middle. And I can't exactly choose who to side with. So to me, its like I'm just on my own and I don't take sides. I don't like that. But I can't help it. As now that she doesn't live with me, I can't really do anything.
Oh what am I saying. I did voice out that day. I failed almost all my Common Test and all were F9s. Dad kept scolding me saying my new classmates are distracting me. And I just burst out saying I couldn't concentrate on my studies with all that was happening. I cried. But he kept on saying that it had nothing to do with me and my studies. I almost screamed but I controlled. I wanted to tell him that it has EVERYTHING to do with me and it's affecting my studies even more. But I didn't. Because Dad is already going through alot of things. He's truly hurt that he had lost his daughter. Because now, his daughter is disappointed with him. I've always known that Dad loves her alot. So does my Mom. For years they've been tolerating her rebellious doings. But I guess that day he just couldn't take it anymore so... he did THAT. But I can tell he regrets it. Eventhough he's always saying 'Serves her right. She needs to learn.' His eyes, his actions. They tell everything. Do you even have any idea that he dreams about her all the time? Even my mom. They kept dreaming her as a child.
I just can't explain how bad the situation is right now in words. Cause I understand what my parents are going through and I ALSO understand what my sister is going through. For Gawd's sake, who doesn't love a sister? Like you said, blood is thicker than water. I mean. Like I mentioned in my previous posts. Everything I see, reminds me of her. And I always avoid feeling that loss. But I know I can't avoid it forever. So I usually just silently cry to sleep. And my parents never barred me from seeing her. I just don't think I can face her. Cause if 1 day I did, I'll end up bursting in tears and just make a fool out of myself.
So what I'm trying to say is that, I know its never too late to voice out. But I just can't. Not that I'm a coward. I just can't. I don't want to. I don't want to hurt either sides. So I'm just gonna let time heal the wounds.
So on top of that, thanks for the advice and tagging and reading my blog. But seriously, who are you?
Hello Random. Uhm thanks for the advice. I don't know if I know you, but the way you tagged made me feel like you know me very well. Hahah. Uhm. I'm not sure where to start. Lets just say that, I know when to make the right choices in life. Before I decide on something, I think for 1836735318773 times. I'm serious. But when it comes to making decisions that includes my family, I have to always make sure that my choice will benefit both me, and my WHOLE family.
In this case, I can't just ignore my parents and you know, blame all this on them. Because eventhough I HATE to admit it, part of it, IS my sister's fault. So I can't just ignore that fact and you now, go against my parents. And I know I sound very pathetic that I'm complaining I'm missing my sister alot, and I'm doing nothing, but seriously. Nobody can truly, deep down, heart-to-heart understand what I'm going through.
I mean, at certain points yes. I'm angry with myself that I can't just, like you said, voice out. Cause I'm in the middle. And I can't exactly choose who to side with. So to me, its like I'm just on my own and I don't take sides. I don't like that. But I can't help it. As now that she doesn't live with me, I can't really do anything.
Oh what am I saying. I did voice out that day. I failed almost all my Common Test and all were F9s. Dad kept scolding me saying my new classmates are distracting me. And I just burst out saying I couldn't concentrate on my studies with all that was happening. I cried. But he kept on saying that it had nothing to do with me and my studies. I almost screamed but I controlled. I wanted to tell him that it has EVERYTHING to do with me and it's affecting my studies even more. But I didn't. Because Dad is already going through alot of things. He's truly hurt that he had lost his daughter. Because now, his daughter is disappointed with him. I've always known that Dad loves her alot. So does my Mom. For years they've been tolerating her rebellious doings. But I guess that day he just couldn't take it anymore so... he did THAT. But I can tell he regrets it. Eventhough he's always saying 'Serves her right. She needs to learn.' His eyes, his actions. They tell everything. Do you even have any idea that he dreams about her all the time? Even my mom. They kept dreaming her as a child.
I just can't explain how bad the situation is right now in words. Cause I understand what my parents are going through and I ALSO understand what my sister is going through. For Gawd's sake, who doesn't love a sister? Like you said, blood is thicker than water. I mean. Like I mentioned in my previous posts. Everything I see, reminds me of her. And I always avoid feeling that loss. But I know I can't avoid it forever. So I usually just silently cry to sleep. And my parents never barred me from seeing her. I just don't think I can face her. Cause if 1 day I did, I'll end up bursting in tears and just make a fool out of myself.
So what I'm trying to say is that, I know its never too late to voice out. But I just can't. Not that I'm a coward. I just can't. I don't want to. I don't want to hurt either sides. So I'm just gonna let time heal the wounds.
So on top of that, thanks for the advice and tagging and reading my blog. But seriously, who are you?
Labels: Helpless.
posted by AzuraAshari at
5:29 AM
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