Oh Gosh.

Hello there. This post is gonna be long. I don't know if you're interested to read. Cause if you aren't, its okay. You can just enjoy the songs here. But if you are, then be my guest to read until the end. It's just gonna be long and ininteresting. So until here, if you wanna go, thanks for dropping by. =)

I'm not sure where to start. There are a million of things I wanna let out and away from myself, but I can't and I don't know why. For the first problem, probably its because I don't want to and I'm just gonna let her be. And for the other problem, I can't let it out. It's very private. But yet again, I don't think I can hold it any longer because its getting heavier and heavier everyday. Like I mentioned earlier, I want to let it all out, but I just can't. Please don't ask why. There are tonnes of things that I'm keeping inside me. Those that are not so serious I tell the FIVE ! or Johanna. But other than that, those that are serious and personal, I just keep it to myself. Yes girls, there are more things that I don't tell you guys compared to those things that I let out. Cause, it concerns me, my happiness and my family. So I can't.

So here, I'm just gonna rant on how miserable I am at this stage. I mean, do all teens go through this type of puberty? One that hurts so bad you feel like shouting but everybody's around? It's like you're so secluded in your own tiny space cause you can't go out. Nobody out there understands you, so you're afraid they'll think you're so problematic and you need help. Gosh. How do I ever get out of this situation. Of course they'll say, okay, tell me, maybe I can help. But in the end they're just gonna look at you and say, 'Ohmygosh. I have nothing to say. Or relax. Or chill. Or just be patient. I'm tired of all these. I need serious help like somebody who completely understands my pain and can guide me through on how to heal that wound.

There are so many things going on in me, my life. Millions of things that I don't even understand how, or why its like that. Sometimes I'm not even sure what the problem is, and I try to find the reason behind it. Other times I just feel like crumpling away every problem I have and dumping it into Mr Dustbin. I'm so confused, so disturbed, so distracted and so miserable. Sighs.

1) When I got that news, I felt throwing myself in front of a speeding car when I'm crossing roads. My whole world just collapsed. I was like, what the hell? How on Earth did she get it? Is it like a form of punishment for me from my Gawd? Or did she do something in the past that made him angry so he wants to punish her? I don't know. I hope its none and I hope she's gonna be with me until forever. Cause I don't think I can live without her. I love her, I do, and I don't wanna wake in the morning and not feel her presence someday. I just don't. Every night I pray that the results are negative and that thing doesn't grow and will just go away. Cause if it does... Oh man. Suddenly my heart weighs heavier than ever.

2) When she left, I felt so helpless and stupid that I couldn't even stand up for her or talk some sense into her. I felt so dumb. In fact I felt that I was the dumbest s*s**r ever in this world. I didn't open my mouth to stop this nonsense. I just sat in my room hearing the quarrels they had about her. I just stood there blankly when they t**** her out. I don't even remember the last time I heard her voice. I badly want to visit her and just see her face and tell her how sorry I am for being such a douchebag and how badly I miss her. But then again, I don't have the guts to face her. Cause I'm sure once I see her face, tears are gonna start rolling. Just hearing the stories he tells me about her makes me tear up. It's like I want to, I do, but I'm such a coward that I can't. I feel like 10 people just poked a hole in my heart. Same spot, over and over again when I think about those days. And what's worst is that every day the hole gets bigger and bigger. She's just 4 bus stops away from me everyday and everytime I reach home, not accomplishing my own desires to see her, I feel like slapping myself so hard and shouting that I'm such a bad and cowardly s*s**r. I suck. I'm a bloody sucker.

So what now? What's the definition of my life? My happiness especially. If you can't tell me, then what do you expect me to tell myself. Just go on and be patient? Time will heal all wounds? Sighs. If time is taking so long, then why should I wait for it? What if that time is too late? I don't have 100 centuries to experience life. I don't even think I have a hundred years. So how long is this happy ending going to take to come to me? How long do I have to wait until the hole closes and never opens up ever again? When am I going to have that moment where everything is peaceful and remains that way until the clock stops ticking? I seriously don't know. I can't wait. At least I don't think I can hold onto that buoy any longer. It's either I drown, or I'll be saved by a lifeguard. Is that what I need? A life-guard? More like life-guider. If there's such a thing sold anywhere in the stores, I would even trade my life just to get it.

Sighs. I don't know why I am saying all this. I just miss my old life. The life where I thought everything was going to be okay, every single day. The life at which I opened my eyes and saw the world for the very, first, time.