Suicide.

I cried in the shower today. Non stop for about half an hour. I cried and cried. I felt so miserable. I was depressed. I was stressed. I was extremely sad. At that point I hated myself. I hated my life. I hated my family. I hated everyone, everything. I wished my sorrows would end. I didn't stop crying. I couldn't stop. ALOT of things were running through my mind. Its as if my world only consisted of black walls and nothing else. I was rooted to the ground. It was horrible.

That's when I turned my head to the right. What I saw made me even more determined to finish everything off. End the misery. I saw bottles of soap. Detergent. Softlan. Dynamo. Clorox. All I could think of shoving all types of liquid down my throat and... die. I couldn't take it. I was depressed. My mind went into haywire. I wanted to scream. Scream and scream and scream. But I couldn't. The parents were in the living room and they would hear me. I didn't want anyone to know what I was doing. I wanted to die quietly. Yes. I wanted to die.

I've seen, heard and even read about all the lucky people around the world. In the news, on Facebook/Twitter and even the people going about their daily lives just under my house. I instantly became angry. Angry because I was so jealous of them. I envied their easy lives, wishing I was one of them. I was furious because I thought How dare they're so happy without even putting an effort to achieve their happiness when I, tried my very best, tried my damn hardest, to find MY own happiness. I was in full rage. All I ever asked for was to be peaceful and have a happy life. Nothing else.

While standing under cold water, crying my heart out, staring at the different toxins right in front of my eyes, all I could think of was, "You've suffered enough. It's time to end this." I had 3 choices. Drink the chemicals, Put my head into the pail of water until I stop breathing, or live. I couldn't decide. My heart was insisting that I end my sorrows. But my brain was dead.

So I sat down on the slippery shower floor, in between my first 2 choices of suicide, and hugged my knees to my chest. I never stopped crying. My mind was blank. My chest hurt. My eyes stung. Thats when my gaze slid over to where my cat was.
Everytime I took a bath, I bring Tommie along. Because he loved the cold toilet floor, and I love his company while I cleanse my soul through showering. He didn't make noise. He'll stay there quietly, and he wouldn't get wet because I parted myself and him with the shower curtain.

While I debated with myself whether I should just die or I should live, I completely forgot he was there. And when I saw him, staring back at me, with a look completely understanding how I was feeling and what I was about to do, he took a few steps forward and started meowing uncontrollably, forbidding me from committing suicide and trying to get someone's attention from outside the bathroom. I closed my eyes.

That's when images started flashing through my mind. The first thing I saw was, my mother. I imagined how she would react when she saw me dead and lifeless on the bathroom floor. I imagined my father consoling her. And I imagined all hell breaking loose. My imagination ran wild as I saw the paramedics rushing towards and pushing me into the ambulance, my parentscrying helplessly, unable to take it that their daughter is dead. The paramedics tried to revive me back from the dead while we were on the way to the hospital. Then I imagined the doctors trying to save me. And when they realised they couldn't, I saw them telling it to my parents. They cried. They wailed. They whined. I saw brother holding the collar of the doctors suit, and I saw my sister, rushing in from the doors, saw what was happening and collapsed to the floor. Then I imagined my father giving the news to my relatives who are in Malacca right now, enjoying their holidays. I pictured my grandparents getting the shock of their lives, shaking with fear that they had just lost their grand-daughter. And then I imagined my friends. The worst part of it, I pictured my own funeral. Everyone was crying.

I opened my eyes. No. I didn't want that to happen. I loved all of them too much. I couldn't be selfish. I couldn't take the life that belonged to so many people. I can't and I don't want to die. Not yet. Not when I haven't accomplished what I'd always wanted to accomplish. I haven't travelled. I haven't gotten married. I haven't had my own children. I haven't had my own family. I haven't had a career. I'm only 15 for heaven's sake. No! I will not let my soul leave my body! That's when I heard Daddy's voice. "Oi what are you doing inside. Your grandfather called. Call him back later."

Immediately I wiped my tears and stood up. I was extremely dizzy. But I held my ground, steadied myself. I turned off the shower, wiped myself dry and covered myself in my blue towel. Then I pulled back the shower curtains and faced my saviour, Tommie. I smiled at him and said, "Thank you." He stopped meowing and looked back at me, almost saying, "Don't. People love you." And I said "I love you too." Carrying Tommie in my arms, I hugged him tight and got out of the bathroom, breathing the cold night air coming in from the window.

Truth is, I was lonely. I had no one to talk to, I became depressed. So depressed that I'd decided to take my own life. But He made me realise that it wasn't time for me to die. I have a whole life ahead of me, I can't give up. And blinded by all the emotions, I forgot my own advice. Patience is a virtue.

23rd December 2010, 8.00 PM, I almost killed myself.

PS: Treasure your life. Live life to the fullest. And patience is alwyas a virtue.