Guess what? I just saw a lady kissing her daughter on the cheeks before she took the 800 bus just now when I went down to buy something. Wow, just what I needed. Pfft. And want to know what I did? I was on the verge of crying when I literally ran up four flights of stairs like a small kid who just got scolded because she ate ice-cream and in the comfort of my own home when tears came down non-stop. Fcuk man.
Why must 'she' not be who she is supposed to be? Why must the never-ending gap be there? Why must I go through such things? Why must I experience, this? Why am I even here? Why didn't I just run away, far from everyone, everything? Or even drown myself when I had chances to do so every Saturday when I have swimming lessons? Why didn't I just overdose myself and just sleep and never to wake up? Why ohh why?
Sometimes I think I am such a sore loser for not doing all these eventhough 'she' treats me like garbage. But other times, I re-think, and realise that, hey, it could have been worse, 'she' could have left me to rot in the dustbin if 'she' had wanted to. I often refer to her as 'that woman'. When I talk to her, I say 'Oi'. When I argue with her, I say 'Bitch'. When I hate her, I say 'I hope you die'. I didn't get a chance to call her affectionately, WITHOUT feeling weird? Can you believe it? Calling my own mother 'Mom' is weird for me. Damn.
I wish I had the strength, to put my hopes and dreams in you. I wish I could believe that you would change. I wish that you are the nicest mom on Earth. I wish that I get to spend time with you. I wish that I could trust you to bring me up, as a good daughter. I wish that I am able to care about you. I wish that I could hold your hand, walk along the beaches with you, go through thick and thin, cry on your shoulder, hug you like I hug my bear, treat you like you're my twin. Whenever I get my hopes up and my guards down, you disappoint me. I thought you were supposed to be my pillar of strength? What happened to you? I mean, who the hell are you?
Don't get me wrong. Although I tell my friends I don't, I truly DO, love you. If I didn't, I would have stabbed you to death a long time ago. If I didn't, I would have gotten myself adopted before I even stepped into this house. Why didn't I do all these? Simple. Because you ARE my mother, and I DO love you, and I WANT to witness you change.
Why must 'she' not be who she is supposed to be? Why must the never-ending gap be there? Why must I go through such things? Why must I experience, this? Why am I even here? Why didn't I just run away, far from everyone, everything? Or even drown myself when I had chances to do so every Saturday when I have swimming lessons? Why didn't I just overdose myself and just sleep and never to wake up? Why ohh why?
Sometimes I think I am such a sore loser for not doing all these eventhough 'she' treats me like garbage. But other times, I re-think, and realise that, hey, it could have been worse, 'she' could have left me to rot in the dustbin if 'she' had wanted to. I often refer to her as 'that woman'. When I talk to her, I say 'Oi'. When I argue with her, I say 'Bitch'. When I hate her, I say 'I hope you die'. I didn't get a chance to call her affectionately, WITHOUT feeling weird? Can you believe it? Calling my own mother 'Mom' is weird for me. Damn.
I wish I had the strength, to put my hopes and dreams in you. I wish I could believe that you would change. I wish that you are the nicest mom on Earth. I wish that I get to spend time with you. I wish that I could trust you to bring me up, as a good daughter. I wish that I am able to care about you. I wish that I could hold your hand, walk along the beaches with you, go through thick and thin, cry on your shoulder, hug you like I hug my bear, treat you like you're my twin. Whenever I get my hopes up and my guards down, you disappoint me. I thought you were supposed to be my pillar of strength? What happened to you? I mean, who the hell are you?
Don't get me wrong. Although I tell my friends I don't, I truly DO, love you. If I didn't, I would have stabbed you to death a long time ago. If I didn't, I would have gotten myself adopted before I even stepped into this house. Why didn't I do all these? Simple. Because you ARE my mother, and I DO love you, and I WANT to witness you change.
posted by AzuraAshari at
3:06 AM
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