Mixed feelings.

Hello how do you do. I hope you're doing fine. Cause I'm definitely not. Sighs.

Its been a tough tough week for me. Hell. It has always been tough for me. Am I abnormal? Other people seem so happy with their lives. And I am like 24/7 cursing mine. Why is it so different for me?

Everywhere I go. People smiling and laughing here and there. Friends are like goofy-ing around in buses, trains, sidewalks, etc. Families having dinner together. Sisters shopping for shoes. Mothers and daughters buying clothes together. Fathers and sons watching soccer. And there I am all alone in one corner watching all these things taking their time passing by me. Why is it so unfair?

I am not sulking that my life sucks. Cause I don't want to be another sad whiny girl complaining about how badly life is treating her. I'm not like that. I'm very thankful for what I have. I am. I'm blessed with 2 parents. I'm blessed with 1 sister and 1 brother. And I have a good sturdy cosy house to shelter from and also food on the table always. The girls are wonderful friends for life. My cats are healthy. I'm healthy. Okay not so healthy but at least I'm not disabled or blind or disfigured. I can see I can smell I can talk and hear and touch and whatnot. What else could I ask for?

But if I had a choice, I think I'd rather be one of those kids in the orphanage. They don't have parents like me. But they seem to be so happy where they are now. If I had a choice, I'd rather be one of those poor kids in Indonesia or India. Even if they don't have wealth, they're all so loving towards each other. I feel like these not so fortunate people have much more than me. I don't care if I'm stranded on the streets. At least I know I have parents and siblings who love me.

Sometimes I think people like me, we take things for granted. Okay not sometimes. ALL the time. When I was in Batam, and I visited the local school there, how I wish I was 1 of them. What's the use of having a perfect family that is not perfect? These kids they are so lucky they weren't me. My family is so not perfect. I don't even feel like it's a family anymore. I feel like all the time I come home to a lonely and sad house. If I feel sad or something, I can't tell anyone. Nobody to talk to. Cause my parents are working and when they do come home, they're always too grumpy to talk properly. And I'll end up swallowing all my problems back into my guts. And then eventually cry it out while going to sleep.

And yet people still ask for more. I don't care about wealth. I don't. Cause it has done nothing but bring me misery all these years. Believe it or not, I HATE MONEY. I can't stand why people always treat it like its the end of the world if they don't have money. Money doesnt buy everything. I have money but still I'm a sad teenager. Why? Because I get no love. That's the most important thing in life. Not money. Gosh.

If you can't love, you can't have good life. Is that true or what?

PS: Please just forget this if you finish reading. I'm just shitting around. I'm in a crappy mood lately. So just flush everything down the drain please.